Autophobia
by Skitty and Kirara
Summary: MadaPein. Pein is free from Nagato's control, but he's extremely frightened by it...after all, he's never been alone before. Warnings: Shonen-Ai/Yaoi, and OOC-ness. Currently a oneshot, may or may not be continued.


AN: Yeah, I'm doing the AN first this time. Okay, so this is basically something that I just sort of thought of and typed up a little while ago, and I'm posting it now on a whim. I appreciate constructive criticism, but I DO NOT want to hear about people being ooc. Sadly, I am well aware of that... Also, Madara looks like he does in the flashbacks, and Nagato and Pein aren't the same person, but Nagato still exists (er, EXISTED...). You'll (hopefully) understand what I mean when you read the story.

WARNINGS: SHOUNEN-AI/YAOI/BL/BOYXBOY/SLASH/WHATEVER, EXTREME OOC-NESS, AND PEOPLE BEING INSANELY ANGSTY (X3 I had to put that in there...)

***

I'm trapped here, on a cliff overlooking what was once my home. I can't bear to watch as the enemy closes in, tearing my people apart with their weapons, sparing no one. I flinch as I hear a child's cry, silenced so abruptly that I knew it had been killed. I had been foolish enough to attack them, and now we are all paying the price.

I grit my teeth in anger. Danzo's the one who is behind all this. Before, the Godaime Hokage had had him under some semblance of control, but now his power is unbridled. I have only myself (_And my master, but his actions are– were– the same as mine.)_ to blame for that.

Terrible though it is, I felt no surprise when the enemy breached our barriers. I'm still healing– there was nothing I could do when the slaughter started, and there still isn't. All I can do is watch as my people are cut down like flies.

My people. It's funny that I think of them that way, when I was only ever a puppet. My master used me for battle, and I was meant to be unfeeling, simply a weapon of war– he had never known that I was aware, and it's better that way. There was no point in him knowing that he enslaved a fellow creature, not when he couldn't have stopped it. He was too attached to his dead friend for that.

Nagato was a fool, though. He revived those he killed, and he...we both thought that our own people would be protected, by those within the Leaf Village that knew. We had thought that Naruto, the Kyuubi jinchuuriki who was so close to the Godaime Hokage, would have stopped our village from be brought into all of this.

(He was also a fool because he thought of me as Yahiko. To this day perhaps I am the only one who knows that I am not Nagato, or Yahiko, or Konan; I am simply an artificial soul that happened to be created inside of Yahiko's body. A fluke. Still, that is irrelevant now.)

But the Godaime, Tsunade, was put into a coma by our attack, nearly giving her life to defend her own village. And by some cruel twist of fate, Danzo took over her position as Hokage.

That man will stop at nothing to destroy our village. And I can do nothing to stop him.

Even though I'm weakened from the battle with Naruto, I still want to fight back, to salvage what I can. At the very least I would like to die in the village. But I can't even do that, because that damn Uchiha bastard is holding me back, almost breaking my arm when I try to pull away from him, to go back. He doesn't seem to realize that I have no interest in his organization.

(I don't struggle harder because of the look in his eyes, which looks like the look Konan would sometimes give Nagato, looking at him through me, but still it seemed sometimes like I was the one she was looking at, and it felt like someone actually gave a _damn_ about me, actually knew I existed.)

I glare at him, but he just looks at me, unreadable, infuriating, mysterious _(It makes me curious, really...I want to know more about him, and this is one of the first chances I've had to act on my own thoughts. That just makes me want to know even more.)_...and I avert my gaze, because even though I had once appeared to be the one leading the organization, I was only a puppet_ (I avoid the term "slave", because Nagato-sama didn't know, couldn't have known...)_ to Nagato, and in the ranks Madara was above even my master.

(I don't want to think that maybe the _true _reason I avert my gaze is a sign of submission beyond simply ranking, because this is the first time that I've been free from Nagato's control and the enemy is attacking and I've never been truly alone, _so alone_, and _I'm scared, dammit!_)

He picks me up, giving me this_ look_ that I don't understand_ (I don't understand why anybody would look at me in any particular way. Through me, maybe, but not _at_ me.)_, and before I know what's happening, he's transported us to somewhere else, somewhere dark and dank and probably underground.

(Or maybe _above_ ground in a room like the one I was kept in when I wasn't in use, except that room was even colder than this one, _so cold_, and there's just no way, no reason that another place like that would be built, dark and wet and freezing and not fit for even the worst criminals, only subhuman creatures, because I'm already dead and I'm _not even supposed to exist_.)

"Pein..." Madara speaks to me now, he doesn't seem to understand that it isn't my name, it's the one Nagato gave himself, and I'm called _Deva_, not Pein, because it's my title and I don't _have _a name.

(And I'm afraid, terrified, that I can't speak, can't walk, can't remember how to do _anything _on my own, because I've never _been _on my own and there's nothing to remember.)

So I stay quiet, just stay in his arms hoping that he won't try to make me stand because I don't know if I can, and I _still_ don't want him to leave me because I'm _still afraid of being alone._

But he just _looks _at me again, and repeats the name _(Barely even a name, at that, and one that Nagato chose, so in a twisted way maybe it fits me, maybe it _is _my name.)_, whispering it so quietly I can barely hear it as it leaves his lips, and then he shakes his head and repeats it louder, in a commanding tone so I had to listen, to do what he wants, because he's _stronger _and _human_ and obeying him is _all I know how to do._

"Ye...yes?" The voice that comes from me startles me, because I hadn't been sure how to speak and now that I have, it's the same as the one that I heard when Nagato spoke through me, except it sounds so different.

(I'm not used to the voice showing emotion; it's usually a flat monotone, but now it's _shaking_ and _scared_, and it feels so strange, because I've spoken before, but I've never actually _spoken_.)

He just looks at me, with this somehow _soft _expression that he's never looked _through _me with, and I wonder if he somehow _knows_ that I exist, that my master is dead and now I'm completely alone.

(It would be better if he didn't know, really, because I'm still_ alone _and _helpless _and _completely at the mercy of my enemies_, and if he knows then he also knows that _he can do whatever he wants with me and I won't fight back._)

I'm terrified of what he'll make me do, because he's a _human_ and so_ powerful _that I would obey him with not even a moment's notice.

(I don't realize it yet, but somehow my subconscious already knows that _he's _my new master, and that perhaps he's better than Nagato, because he _cares _about me and he _knows I exist._)

He doesn't _make _me do anything, though, he just hugs me tighter to his chest and walks down the tunnel, and I'm left wondering just _how _he knows about me, because he's _holding _me so protectively and I _know_ that he would never have treated Nagato like that.

***

Before I know it, I've been placed gently on a soft bed. He pulls the covers over me and I wonder, not for the first time, why he goes through all this trouble for an inhuman creature such as myself. I can't relax, though; I'm afraid that he'll leave me.

(And I'm afraid of sleeping– I've never been able to before, and the thought of dreaming, of being trapped in a fake universe created by my mind terrifies me, makes me want to grab desperately at anything that will keep me afloat in the real world.)

I stay tense, nervous; but it's hard to, because Madara is stroking my hair soothingly, and he's close enough to touch, and for a moment I feel like nothing will hurt me, like _I'm _the one who will be kept from battle– be protected while he fights for me, prevents me from getting hurt.

And I close my eyes and lean into his touch, even though I _know _that it's all a lie– I'm the puppet, not him _(And I'm _his _now, I don't know why, but somehow I can feel it.)_– but still, just for one night, I want to let myself believe...

"Go to sleep, alright?" His voice and actions are soothing, but I still feel frightened when gives me that order _(It doesn't matter if it's a request, it's still an order because that's what he _wants _me to _do._)_, but it doesn't matter, even if I never wake up again because I _can't_, because he _never gives the order_, because _I have to obey_.

***

I can see the look of terror in his eyes when I make that simple request– he isn't trying to hide his fear, I can see that he won't hide it from me because he is completely obedient _(I wish I could say that he trusts me completely, but the only trust I have gained from him is because I'm the first and only one who's ever treated him like a _damn human being_)_. Still, cruel as it is to force him to do everything, it is perhaps crueler to let him die because he's too afraid to do anything at all.

We both hate this, making him fear for his very existence over such a thing, but it's something that has to be done before he dies of exhaustion.

"Pein..." He flinches as I say this, but I refuse to call him _Deva_. He deserves to have a name, not just a title that signifies him as part of a set, and odd as it is, this name is already the one that identifies him to the rest of us _(In my eyes, Pein is _his _name– Nagato had no right to give himself two names and deny his servant any)_.

"...Y-yes, Madara-sama?" He's decided that he should answer, but his voice is so small and afraid, I feel as though I should simply hold him for all eternity and protect him from the outside world that's hurt him like this.

"Pein, go to sleep," I say in a commanding tone. I watch with regret as his eyes widen in fear, then shut tightly, his entire body trembling as he wills himself to follow the order I gave him. I know I'm being cruel, and this isn't what I want to do at all, but I as powerful as I am I can't protect him from everything he fears.

With one last glance, I turn to leave, tearing myself away from his side as I remind myself that I have other things I must do tonight. It pains me to leave him like this, but _(And this hurts even more, to think that I'm, in a sense, _enslaving _him_, _because _he doesn't know how to disobey_)_ I know that he'll follow my orders.

Still, what he does next catches me by surprise.

***

I feel my new master _(I don't know when he became that, but that's what he is now)_ leave my side, and panic wells up in me._ I don't want to be alone_.

Still, he told me to _sleep_, he _ordered _me to, and I have to do so now, have to find out how. I'm too scared, though. But I have to do it, I _will_ do it, because _I was ordered_.

I feel my master's presence begin to leave the room, and I _try_ to follow my orders, I really do, but now I'm _scared_...

_(scared so scared I don't want to be alone please don't leave me stay I'm begging you please what did I do wrong)_

"P-please...M-M-Madar-ra-s-sama..." I whisper, quickly, not thinking, just operating on instinct and blind hope that _some way, somehow _he'll hear, and will stop and come back and not leave.

He continues on, doesn't even pause, not for a second.

My panic increases, I don't want to be left alone, please don't leave me alone, I've done nothing wrong, did I, why are you doing this, please _DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!_

***

"DON'T LEAVE ME!!!!"

I stop halfway through the doorway, hearing Pein's desperate and panicked cry. I don't think, I just turn back, trying to get to him quickly, to comfort him, tell him that it's okay, that I _won't ever _leave him, I was simply going to go out for a bit and of course I would never _abandon_ him like that.

As soon as I turn he's on me, hugging me and shaking uncontrollably, and I can tell that he's crying because he has his face buried in my shoulder, and the fabric is quickly becoming wet with his tears.

I hug him back, tightly, enfolding him in my arms. I don't understand why I'm so protective, I've felt this way since I met the true him, but it just feels_ right_.


End file.
